The Style Invitational Week 975 Gone mything
Pat Myers for The Washington Post
School food: It is NOT true that the
noodles that the cafeteria ladies serve on Wednesday are made of tapeworm poop.
The Post’s Sunday opinion
section, Outlook, runs an ongoing feature called 5 Myths, in which an essayist
presents what he says are five common misconceptions about some topic and then
explains (or argues) why each isn’t true. This week, at the suggestion of Loser
Ward Kay: “Debunk” a “Sixth Myth” about one or more of these recent 5 Myths
topics, as in the example above. Our list starts with “The Bust That Will
Follow the Boom(ers),” a 2008 5 Myths piece by Russell Beland, the No. 1 Style
Invitational Loser of All Time, who moonlights at the Pentagon as deputy assistant
secretary of the Navy for military personnel policy.
• The bust that will follow the
boom(ers)
• Breast-feeding
• White people
• America’s decline
• Female voters
• Water
• Super PACs
• Cheating
• The presidency
• The American Dream
• Abraham Lincoln
• School food
Winner gets the Inkin’
Memorial, the Style Invitational trophy. Second place wins an especially
distinguished navy blue T-shirt with a giant yellow Spam logo and a photo of a
hunk of Spam pretending to be a roast ham, spiked with cloves and everything.
Donated by Dudley Thompson.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the new, ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a
lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air
“freshener” (Fir Stink for their first ink). E-mail entries to
losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, June 18;
results published July 8 (online July 6). No more than 25 entries per entrant
per week. Include “Week 975” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored
as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your
entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/StyleInv. The subhead for
this week’s honorable mentions is by Roy Ashley; the alternative headline in
the “Next week” line was submitted separately by Christopher Lamora and Tom
Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev .
Report from Week 971, in which we asked you to create a two-volumes-in-one book by pairing
an actual title with another real title or a fictional one: “A Confederacy of
Dunces” was bound with just about everyone’s particular favorite organization
to disparage; “To Kill a Mockingbird” was often matched with “101 Unusual
Poultry Recipes.”
The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial
Front cover: “An Unfinished
Life: John F. Kennedy, 1917-1963”
Back cover: “A Totally
Finished Life: John R. Edwards 1953-Who Cares”
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
2. Winner of the anatomically
correct “she-cozy”: “Catch-22,” by Joseph Heller/ “Drop 23,” by Santana Moss
(Mike Caslin, Round Hill, Va.)
3.“Battle Hymn of the Tiger
Mother”/ “What to Expect When You’re Expecting Too Much” (Carol Applegate,
Reston, Va., a First Offender)
4. Bill Clinton: “My Life” /
“The Adventures of Captain Underpants” (Les Greenblatt, Ann Arbor, Mich.)
From bad to verso: honorable mentions
TWO REAL BOOKS
“The Euro Crash: The European
Time Bomb”/ “Angela’s Ashes” (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
“The Golden Apples of the
Sun”/ “The World’s Best Nude Beaches and Resorts” (Dion Black, Washington)
“The Book of Senior Moments”/
“The Book of Senior Moments” (Jayne Osborn, Wellingborough, England, a First
Offender)
“What to Expect When You’re
Expecting”/ “Pain” (Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
“Pork Chop Hill”/
“Congressional Procedures and the Policy Process” (Brad Alexander, Wanneroo,
Australia)
“Pain Free: A Revolutionary
Method for Stopping Chronic Pain”/ “Invitation to a Beheading” (Mike Gips, Bethesda,
Md.)
“The Lovely Bones”/ “The
Complete Idiot’s Guide to Becoming a Model” (Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.)
“Dances With Wolves”/ “The
Idiot” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
“Above Washington: Aerial
Photographs of the District of Columbia”/ “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”
(Ari Unikoski, Tel Aviv)
“50 Shades of Grey”/ “How I
Met Your Mother” (Jim Ward, Alexandria, Va.; Ruthie Haynes, Boynton Beach,
Fla., a First Offender)
“The Fellowship of the Ring”/
“The Essential Guide to Gay Weddings” (Chris Williams, Herndon, Va., a First
Offender)
“Prostitution Policy Reform
in the UK”/ “What Ho, Jeeves” (Brendan Beary)
“Fear and Loathing in Las
Vegas”/ “Code of Federal Regulations Title 41, 301-74: Conference Planning”
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
“The House at Pooh Corner”/
“Plumbing: 22 Easy Fix-It Repairs” (Ann Martin, Bracknell, England)
“The Naked and the Dead”/
“Great Parties: The Best of Martha Stewart Living” (John Shea, Philadelphia)
“The Hunger Games”/
“Mastering Pac-Man” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
“Scouting for Boys,” by Lord
Baden-Powell/ “Looking for Mr. Goodbar,” by Judith Rossner (Pie Snelson, Silver
Spring, Md.)
“History of Ancient
Civilization” / “MS-DOS for Dummies” (Paul Burnham)
“Anna Karenina” / “The Little
Engine That Could” (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
“Men Are From Mars, Women are
from Venus”/ “Battlefield Earth” (Jeff Contompasis)
“Going Rogue”/ “A
Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius” (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
“How to Write ‘How-To’ Books
and Articles”/ “How to Write ‘How to Write “How-To” Books and Articles’ Books
and Articles” (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
“One Hundred Years of
Solitude,” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez/ “If I Did It,” by O.J. Simpson (John
Folse, Bryans Road, Md.)
“Sh!” by Doug Evans/ “It” by
Stephen King (Dion Black)
A REAL BOOK PLUS A FAKE TITLE
“The Girl With the Dragon
Tattoo”/ “The Middle-Aged Divorcee With the Sagging Jowly Fat
Salamander-Looking Tattoo” (Cy Gardner, Arlington, Va.)
“Three Cups of Tea”/ “Three . . .
Well, Two. . . . Okay, Definitely ONE Cup of . . . umm,
Hot, er, Warm Liquid” (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
“Simple and Effective Tips to
Cut Your Own Hair”/ “Mitt Romney’s Guide to Cutting Other People’s Hair”
(Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
“Bossypants,” by Tina Fey/
“Working for the Big Guy: My Untold Story,” by Joe Biden (Melissa Balmain,
Rochester, N.Y.)
“To the Lighthouse,” by
Virginia Woolf/ “To the Nuthouse,” by Charlie Sheen (Jeff Brechlin)
“The Seven Habits of Highly
Effective People”/ “The 783 Habits of Highly Obsessive-Compulsive People”
(David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
“A Wrinkle in Time”/ “Linen
Clocks: The Downside” (Diego Pedulla-Smith, Fairfax, Va., a First Offender)
“The Naked Ape”/ “Honey, Hand
Me a Towel” (Drew Bennett)
“Men Are From Mars, Women Are
From Venus” and “The Yankees Are From Uranus” (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)
“The Wonderful Wizard of Oz”/
“The Horrible Wizards of D.C.” (Paul Burnham)
“Eat Pray Love,” by Elizabeth
Gilbert/ “Eat Prey Love,” by Hugh Hefner (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.)
“Sh*t My Dad Says”/ “Shut Up
My Mom Tells Him” (A.B. Gibson, Washington, a First Offender)
“Peter Pan”/ “The Big Book of
Cooking Utensils for Exotic Foods” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Still running — deadline is
Monday night — is the Week 974 limerick contest. See wapo.st/inv974.
Next Week: Trends and Neighbors, or Hoot Topics